Jim Jamesson

“Man, this movie sucks” my brother just said. We’re just a little ways into Steven Seagal’s Flight of Fury. So far they’ve got a budget of around $300 dollars and have spent about $20 bucks of it. They are in Afghanistan (a local landfill) and they just landed a stealth plane on the desert. A gun battle takes place with a hot middle eastern looking terrorist chick (Katie Jones) that soon is about to have a partial lesbian sex scene with another hot black chick (Ciera Payton), who is her nemesis, although they live in the same army base. 

Here is our guy, Steven Seagal. Ahh, Photoshop CS4 is cool.

There is a guy in this movie (Mark Bazeley) who looks like what you would get if Dennis Leary and James Spader had anal sex with each other and one of them got pregnant. 9 months and 35 years later, you’ve got this guy. Luckily, this nerd dies to very little fanfare at the end of the movie, although he does give a half-assed effort to act like it’s this dire scene which deserves partial credit.

So basically what’s going on here is a bunch of soft-porn grade actors all put together in one studio and a landfill for a couple of hours. This movie feels like I’m watching a community-college level video 101 class project, starring Steven Seagal, Dennis Leary/James Spader, a guy who looks like a real fuckhead, and a smokin’ hot middle eastern looking chick and a pretty hot black chick.

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Don’t know about anyone else, but I cannot discern the difference between Stephen McHattie and Lance Henriksen. I just saw McHattie as Dr. Reston in Seinfeld, and remembered that he also played in that movie Shoot ‘Em Up. Henriksen as you recall, was the over-acting bad guy in Hard Target with Jean Claude Van Damme.

So, for everyone out there that thought these guys were the same guy, you are dead wrong. Coulda fooled me though…

If you can tell a difference between Stephen McHattie and Lance Henriksen, you are a better human than I.

Man do I hope this global warming shit is real. Right now its fucking cold outside. I went to take a piss and instead of my usual piss it was a cold hard solid block of ice that looked like a section of fucking fiber optic cable. And I only live in NC… I try to imagine these fuckers living further up north, and I just… I’m just fucking speechless.

Nothing sucks more than the cold. You see, I’m a Floridiot by birth and native Floridiots are flat-out not built for cold weather. Personally, I have a 50º limit. Anything above 50º my joints still function and my jaw allows me to speak. Below 50º it all goes to fuck. When it’s this cold out, I spend my waking day engulphed in this huge fucking sheepskin eskimo jacket that offers me warmth, but at the expense of extreme ridicule. What the fuck. Read more »

I got an email from someone asking for a tutorial on how to make brushed aluminum text in Photoshop. This technique is very easy to accomplish using only a few basic Photoshop tools and filters. We’ll be creating a new document, and using the noise and motion blur filters to create our aluminum. We’ll then add some text and play around with a few simple techniques. Let’s get started.

This tutorial will show you how to create a simple brushed aluminum website header similar to this.

Back some time ago, someone recommended that I make a tutorial on animating gif’s using Photoshop. Well, after much procrastinating, I give you the Photoshopper’s guide to making animated gif banners in Photoshop, at the expense of other people.

What the frig are we gonna animate?

Before we can make something animate, we need to figure out what it is we want to animate. Lucky for you, I’ve taken the liberty to come up with a fun idea, and actually have all the imagery premade for your convenience. You can download everything for this tutorial here.

In honor of sexy Sunday school teacher Kay Hagan’s recent defeat of the incumbent senator from NC, we’re gonna pick on Elizabeth Dole. I was extremely happy (like most people in the state) to see Hagan win, especially after her wonderfully offensive godless ad campaign. I even jerked off (like most people in the state) during her victory speech. But, since Dole is such an easy target, we’ll use her. Read more »

Here you can see the accuracy of his gun clip. JFC.

Right now, I’m watching Steven Seagal’s heinous movie Kill Switch starring Steven Seagal, as my punishment for signing up with Netflix and having the entire flock of Seagal movies readily available. Hopefully, I’ll be the first human to warn you about watching this piece of shit. If you haven’t yet seen it, don’t.

The first thing you’ll notice about this movie is Southern Steven Seagal’s ungodly crappy southern accent. It’s unbelievable… there are times when he will speak and actually forget the accent, only to remember it at the end of the sentence. It’s really that bad. In fact, to show you just how crappy it is, here’s what’s going on right now:

Ok, Southern Steven Seagal with a stupid southern accent, just stole a pipe from the bad guys that were beating him up and now he is using the pipe to beat them up. He just said “still wanna play? Take your best shot!” The guy is trying his best shots. Seagay punched him in the face with a resounding ass thud.

Now the guy is trying to punch again THUD THACK THUMP THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH 3 ribs he just cracked of this twerpy fucking guy. Shit, here comes the guy no wait Seagal flipped him and he landed on a bar — shot of the hot girls boobs — 00H landed on the bar and is out cold. Now hes back to the original black guy he wanted to question.

He’s holding his arms and fingers are broke, and just crushed his head and his upper jaw in the bar top. and is beating the back of his skull with his teeth sunk into the bar, he is about to crush him. He he has no teeth left and has blood gushing everywhere. He was able to threaten Segay as he walks away.

Now Seagal grabs the hot tit girl and goes downtown. She’s hot I would fuck her. Here comes trouble. Seagal gunfight just like that.

Bam bam bam Seagal. No reloading, 5,858,585,858,585 shots fired. No reload. Awesome.

My brother says “you can’t be a bad ass with a gun.”

Fuck these guys. It’s a full on gun war. No reloading I have seen yet still. Thousands of shots have been fired (handguns). Hope I am on the right keys typing this I would hate if it was all in like hebrew. Steve says right now “this movie is fucking dumb.” Read more »

This one just came in, haha:

Ni hao,

Fuck beer! Got sexy girl? Click here

His ears fell at once in talk with his new neighbour, you must admit that that was unfortunate. It depends little head, her profile with the perfection of and i’m not quite sure when right. Goodbye till by urgent dressmakers. Her home only gave her pressure for a foolish debt might have been the who comes? As if a train of powder laid from the mother’s brother with whom she’d had a frightful instant, the doctor even had his two hands at he was her life, her existence. Love burned in a lover. Pete took note of maggie. say, mag, i’m indians, and for which the westerners were clamoring. Here. It here that she met him. He was in neighbourhood direction the restless and roving spirits which thenwell, we thought it might be rather a good.

If you are alive on this planet and watch television shows, you’ve probably seen the Direct TV commercial by now where they hack a scene from the movie ‘Vacation’ with Chevy Chase and add in a new piece with Christie Brinkley in the swimming pool. If you look carefully, when Clark Griswold is taking off his pants, Christie Brinkley is standing in the pool right in front of the 6-foot deep marking on the pool:

If you watch the commercial you can tell she is clearly not doggie paddling.

Alright. I have probably wasted six million hours watching old people type out the double-you-double-you double-you-dot-oh-shit-that’s-a-comma-backspace-backspace-backspace-backspace-double-you-double-you-double-you-dot…. fucking shit!!! So, to help combat youngsters the world over from suffering thru shit like this, I’ve decided to put together the long-needed Geezer’s Ultimate Guide to Learning Real-world, No-shit Useful Internet Techniques. Hopefully, some of you will find your glasses and learn how to quit being duped into spammers and useless anti-virus subscriptions and all kinds of other web horsestool. Every week I will write very insightful dribble that will teach you the ins, outs and sideways of the www.

This week, we’re gonna start with some basic chat room shit. Some of you will somehow be forced into chatting with some lame ass grandchild or techno-fag transgendered cousin or some other real group leader. Before we get into the beef of chatting online and learning some internet slang, let’s first understand what the fuck exactly the word ‘chat’ encompasses. You q-tip dweebs out there like to tell your friend Bozana that “you got it from an online chatroom” or some other lame nonsense like that. There are 4 major, distinct forms of ‘chatting’ on the web. (Well, at least 4 that are within the realm of your comprehension at this point. Maybe we’ll talk about them some other day.) Read more »

My dear friend Leslie is a creative eco-art madwoman! She’s been making completely natural, non-toxic, non-chemical art by using mud, berries, upcycled objects (not new), charcoal, poke berries, tumeric and the like! It’s like, how they did it a LONG time ago and it’s some of the raddest original art I’ve seen in quite some time.

Visit the Correct Gallery and buy/sell non-toxic artwork on November 28th!

The “Correct Gallery” opening/selling night is NOVEMBER 28th at 7pm and I guarantee you it will be awesome. I’m going for sure and am going to try my hand at this non-toxic stuff just as soon as I get back home next week. Everyone should definitely go and not be a stay-home do-nothing loser!

Visit her awesome eco blog for the full scoop!

I am as die hard of a Knight Rider fan as you’ll ever know. If I had $50k laying around, I would so be driving my own KITT. Not the new Val Kilmer ballbag KITT, the old original authentic and totally bad ass REAL KITT.

Michael Knight kicked a whole lot of ass. Go Hoff.

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Saturday night saw the 43 year old Bernard Hopkins absolutely crush the younger, faster, harder-punching Kelly Pavlik in a total one-sided boxing clinic. After the fight, Hopkins stated much interest in fighting the winner of next month’s Roy Jones Jr. vs. Joe Calzaghe much-anticipated bout.  Seeing how well Bernard performed against Pavlik, this is definitely a scenario boxing fans will warm to. Read more »

Holy shit. Maybe it’s just me, but has anyone else noticed the enormous size of Wolf Blitzer’s ever-expanding studio set? Its like miles and miles of huge TV screens with pointers and all this craziness. In fact, according to my independent source who wishes to remain anonymous, Blitzer’s studio now occupies an eye-popping 7,842 acres. Insane!

Look at the size of Wolf Blitzer's high tech tv screen in his studio that is bigger than my, ego.

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By request, I’m posting the pictures of this girl who wrecked her scooter right in front of my house. She broke her leg and was all messed up but lived to tell the tale. She seemed like a pretty nice girl from what I gathered, although she complained the entire time during our conversation while waiting for the ambulance. Not that she didn’t have a good reason or anything, I mean her leg was pointing the wrong way and her face was planted in the dirt.

I hope this girl never comes across my website, this would probably piss her off. If you are that girl and you’re reading this, shit, what can I say… Read more »

Seems like you see these things always popping up as concept vehicles, but you never really see them in production. This particular vehicle, the VentureOne, looks pretty kickass though. 100 miles to the gallon and 100mph and look all awesome in the process? Hell yeah! If only I had 25 grand laying around…

This hybrid 3-wheeler looks freaking cool.

According to the VentureOne website, the 0-60 time is around 7 seconds and that you could compare the experience to flying a fighter jet. I wonder if they will ever offer any demo drives?