Jim Jamesson

Dear gay black guy,

I’m sorry that your day is shitty and that you are pissed off. I hope my words of wisdom to you brighten up your ugly ass day. I feel your pain man. Those shift supervisors can be real mushroom hats sometimes. I have never worked at a fast food place or a Burger King, but let me tell you man I have had my share of bosses that I would have loved to kick the shit out of.

Let me tell you a story. One of my old bosses, for anonymity sake lets call him Jack, (can’t remember his last name or I would call him right now and make fun of him and hang up) anyways, Jack really got on my fucking nerves. Very similar to how your bossman is riding your ass, probably even right now. So one day I had a really fucking good idea. I was gonna play the ultimate, what-you-gonna-do-about-it style prank on him.

So back in the day, the Iwanna used to let just about anyone post an ad online. You didn’t need to have a real name or phone number or any shit like that. All you needed was some creativity:

1999 HARLEY DAVIDSON SOFTTAIL – Husband cheated on me, I hate looking at it, it’s beautiful, first $400 takes it. [STORE LOCATION PHONE NUMBER], ask for Jack. Please, call ONLY between [the hours I worked so I could hear him be paged every 3 seconds].

Haha, that shit worked like a motherfucking charm! At times, all 4 lines in our store would be on hold blinking for Jack. Jack would storm around the place pissed off having to answer another phone call.

But my gay black friend, here is where I went wrong. One day, Jack walked by me, and said “goddammit if this phone call is for the Harley Davidson I swear to god….”

I lost it. I hit the ground laughing so hard man, like the bag boy had to come mop up my wiz and put up one of those yellow don’t fall cone things.

Immediately busted.

BUT WHAT COULD HE DO? The ad was only 2 days strong and we all know just how many goddamn Iwanna’s they print. All he could do was really act unfavorably toward me.

So basically what I’m getting at is that you can be very, very creative when it comes to unpissing yourself off. Use the person who pissed you off as your target. Set a goal for the level of angry/sad/inconvenienced that you want them to become. Goals are easy to attain when you break them down into smaller, more manageable tasks.

Anyways, because it is my absolute mission in life to help people and improve the quality of life of others who are kind to me, I got your back dude. I’m emailing BK right now on your behalf. I’m gonna let these motherfuckers know just what transpired and caused your mucky day.

It’s my true hope that you get some sort of resolution out of this. Perhaps a bigwig will visit your store and chew out your supervisor. It’s my dream that you get to see it and that it puts a smile on your face.

If not though, I sincerely hope that your day improves. You are a nice well spoken dude, and I truly appreciate just how many additional Splendas you always give me (but I won’t tell them that).

Best, Jim