Coors Light is good

By Jim on August 7th, 2008 | Posted in Drugs & Alcohol | 6 Comments
Tags: Bernie Taupin, Chuck Yeager, Coors Light saved my life, crappy day, Daniel, Elton John, Google Anal, Jaegermiester, sailion jaerry, Sam Elliott, Vietnam veteran

Kind of a ho hum day here in Jim land. Last night I deviated from my streak of consecutive days with fast food for dinner (not that bad, still had a Whopper JR for lunch, but that was for the sake of helping out my Burger King buddy). Anyways, all day long I have just felt weird, as if, our delicious home-cooked meal has altered my core being chemically. It’s like I accidently used diesel or some shit.

Well, real men know, the the absolute best thing to turn a good day around is to drink a lot of beer. Beer is the only short term solution that will help you figure out what the long term fix actually is. I think it’s time for an experiment. We have a cold, brand new and shiny case of Coors Light in the fridge. It would be really cool to drink them all, and monitor the oncoming short and long-term solutions to my crappy day. This should be fun…

4:40 PM COORS LIGHT #1

Alright, beer number one is on the way down. I am kickin’ some Elton John. Real men aren’t afraid to admit they listen to Elton John. Coors Light is actually pretty good. After the past 6 months of living on Bud Light, it’s a nice change of pace. Fucking shit if Sam Elliott drinks Coors Light, fucking I am too. Sam Elliott does not fuck around.

4:59 PM COORS LIGHT #2

Already my day is picking up. This is good news. I have proven just now, that all it takes is one Coors Light to alter your day. I wonder how many people know what Elton John’s song ‘Daniel’ is about. I had no idea for a long time. Come to find out it’s about a Vietnam vet that lost his eyesight in the war. Not only that, but Bernie Taupin wrote the lyrics one morning, gave it to Elton, and by the end of the day, they had the complete song. And if that isn’t cool shit, I find out that they wrote 12 Elton singles in the span of two whole days. Ain’t that some shit.

5:26 PM COORS LIGHT #3

Haha Tom. This is funny shit. My day is fucking really getting kick ass now.

DANIEL YOUR A STAAAR IN THE FACE OF THE SKYYYYYYYYY
DANIEL IS TRAVELEIN TONITE ON A PLANE.
I CAN SEE THE RED TAILLIGHTS
HEYEYEYEYEYEEEEEDIN FOR SPAAAAAAINNN OOHHAAAYHHHH

Fucking Sir mother fucking Elton mother fucking John.

5:32 PM COORS LIGHT #4

Man I just heard the godamnnded shittiest news. The guys have no beer only jeager. How do you spell fucking jagermayster for real anyways. It goes like this:

C H U C K Y E A G E R S A I R C O M B A T

Who would win in a fight. Chuck Yeager’s Air Combat vs. Jock Cousteau US DIVERS whatever it was called. You know who wins? Who cares.

5:46 PM COORS LIGHT #5

Look at this face.
I know the years are showing.
Look at this liheeehifffe.
I still don’t know where it’s goin’.

I don’t know much, but I know I gotta piss real bad right now.

OK son of a bitch I am like 48 oz lighter now and feeling like fucking really good. Not like alchhollic influensa or anything but you know glad to wiz. Anyone that says TMI in their head right now can eat a turd. I had to just now go thru anal and figure some shit out. It was a challenge. For all of you that think I went thru a butt hole you are wrong. Anal is shorthand for Google Analytics. < ---just took 3 tries to type correctly. I should be congramulated. Damn straight. Hmm, speaking of stits... that reminds mee

6:17 COORS LIGHT #6

Shit man you know what I jsut read. COors light has 102 calories they say. that means I am only in 612 calories by the end of this upcong end of this beer. that is really not asbad as i had thought. originally i thought it woudl be like 620 630 and that would have just been catostrphoic i dont know what i would have done. man, whew. talk about a load off the shoulders. seroilusy. not being sarcastic.

You know what else. its fucking 641 and that means i am falling off pace pretty bad. i think that probably the best solution for all everohnes sake is to finish the fuck out of number 6 and then go shotgun beer 7.

Wait a minute though, lets calm down a little bit and try not to lose focus on why we are doing this to begin with. Let me go reeread up above to make sure i’m on the same page with myself…

6:44 COORS LIGHT #7

Ok Coors light is good and all but you know its like a double edged sword. You see, on one side, it’s areally shiny, and silver. kind of like a silver bullet. But, on the other side, its really shiny. Really silver. Like a cold mountain stream in the rockies. So yeah. The cool thing is though is that my day is kicking a lot of ass. So much so, that I have daaecided to give back. See, coors light is from the rockies. Thats high up. like in eleveation. So, its only natural that one would want to give back. Not by peeing into the ocena, but by drinking something that comes out of the ocena. No not billy ocean you perverts. I mean like, well you see we have some rum in the freezer and that sounds good because pirates drank that shit. So here is my ode to pirates.

Wait. its gonna tak ea few minutes my godamn battery in my camera just died. mother fucker.

Ok still waiting, this is screwing the whoel thing up. I don’t know where the cord is for the battery thats not a battery but the thing you plug into the wall. Like the fake battery pretend battery.

My battery is travelin tonite on a plane.
I can see the red fucking no charge light heeeyaaadein for spaeeeeeeeennoooahhh
i can see my batttery wavin goodbye

god i miss my battery
must be the clouuds in myyyy yeyeeees

they say batteries are pretty
thooooguh ive nevvvver beenn

my battery says its the best place its eyeeevvverseeeeohhaahh
my battery should know its seen enough

ohhh i miss my battery

ohhhahhh

battery my battery.
you are
older than me do you still feeeeel the pain

of the charge that wont heal your cells have died

you seen more than i

battery your my staaaaaaaar

in the face of my chaaaaarrraaagggerrr

Ok I am being challeneged right now hard core. I’m gonna try the battery right now.

7:27 COORS LIGHT #8

Ok actually a long time has gone by. I don’t know what headpanned at 7:27 so lets flash forward flipping ff fracking >> button ahead until right now.

8:21 COORS LIGHT #8 9 and 10

Man I had to tell Steve and TJ that like, a calorie is a calorie is a calorie. They pretended to undernad. It was very in-depth and I should probably tell people secrets of weight loss on the fast food site sometimes later on maybe today.

And then, I had to struggle to cook some noodles and that shit you out on it. That red shit.

SO yeah i guess its been decided by the powers that be that apollo goes to pisgah forest tomrorow to do some fucking swimming. Slow, hopefully everything is cool on all homefrowns, because pisgah forest has crappy internet and wifi. i think they should hack a big ass patch of first generation trees and put up a cell tower. but only if they can do it tomorrow before launch. Because I don’t do ‘before lunch’. It’s a damn well known fact that I stay up until 7 am solely because I hate the mornings so bad that I rather just wake the hell up some like midday. In the middle of the day.

So yeah, that will be the dinner bell. Homefully, dinner is doing to make numbers eleven and twelve much bedder than those other jokers.

.

8:21 COORS LIGHT #11 and 12

After 10 coors light, I realized that I have a wholesome understanding of how coors light tastes. i know the sound of opening the can. I know the performance of the wide-mouth vent. I appreciate the frost brew liner. I commend them for voluntarily displaying caloric and related value. I love the taste of the Rockies. And I say that with the deepest, gravelliest, throat-gutteringist sound within my vocal range.

Anyways, to get back on track. Tonights experiment was not without purpose. Tonight, we wanted to know for sure, if beer could fix both short and long-term troubles. Let’s not forget the initial woe.

I was having a shitty day, and wanted a quick and easy fix.

The first thought that came to mind was to drink beer. “Drink beer!” I proclaimed, “that will absolutely fix my crappy day! Yeah! Raise Hell!” But the next was a thought of reason. A thought of experience. This thought say “dude you just gonna feel like asshole in the morning just drink some juice or something.”

Well long story short, the goal was to see if we could fix the immediate problem (crappy day) while preventing a longer-term side-effect (tomorrow morning). Plus, it seemed really cool to drink a 12 pack and write about it. Hell else I got to do…

While the goal kind of has yet to be seen because its not morning yet, experience tells me that there will be zero issues whatsoever in the morning. See, real men know how to pace themselves. Real drinkers know the difference between a red light and a green light. We can follow that line like nobodys business. My point is, that I could do cartwheels backflips and handstands right now with not one blunder. Steady as a fuckin log.

11:54 AM COORS LIGHT AFTERMATH NEXT MORNING

Feeling good day! Holy shit man, there is nothing like two big periods of sleeping after drinking a few Coors Lights. I woke up initially around 7, took a wiz, one tums, and immediately back to the bed.

We know have valid, scientific proof that drinking a few Coors Light can help allieviate your short-term drama, and, with careful planning, obliterate any long-term concerns you may have.

In this case, I carefully ingested ibprofen and tums on a revolving schedule at night. I also capped off my bed time with a 1000+ calories of McDonalds matter. With those simple steps, the next morning hungover is a non-issue.

Now thats the way to drink. You little boys and girls that wake up in dire straights come morning time take heed. You’ll learn sooner or later.

Now, to attempt sending Apollo down Sliding Rock. This should be fun!