Diary of a baptist in North Carolina
Turn to any page in a baptists diary, and they all sound about the same. For the sake of simplicity and pissing off a shit ton of goddamned people, I’m removing all references to Jesus Christ. Here is the condensed version:
6:00 AM
Wake up, piss, check level of grass in yard. If grass has grown overnight, grass will need to be recut.
8:00 AM
Cut grass again, going over 17 or 18 times to make sure any slight 1/8″ or greater deviation in blade angle of lawn mower are no longer apparent.
10:00 AM
Inflate tires using digital tire meter. Take lawnmower blade down to some hillbilly injun repair shop to be sharpened sharper than a fresh Mach 3 razor.
12:00 PM
Reinstall lawnmower blade with assurance from God that he will make sure your grass gets cut evenly.
1:00 PM
Test out new lawnmower blade and freshly inflated tire level. Use care with your carpenter’s level to make sure NO deviation in blade level exists.
1:30 PM
Proceed to cut grass 14 or 15 more times. Be sure to stare down non-baptist neighbors and express disdain because they don’t cut their goddamned jesus fucking christ grass as often the fuck as heavenly father told you to.
5:00 PM
After showering and praying. Proceed to phase two. Weed whacking.
you know- people cut grass way too much. Historicaly grass was orginally a FUCK YOU to poor people, when the rich aristocrats in France made huge useless lawns with no animals grazing to show off their wealth. Lawns are not functional in any way, and ruin the ecology in each area. If lawns were changed to native plants and food crops the whole world could be fed – and the air would be 3 times cleaner.
Comment by leslie @ the oko box on August 13, 2008
NOW I know where my diary went! You heretic.
Comment by The Goddess on August 13, 2008
I’m with Leslie on the lawn thing. I don’t care for lawns, never have, and never will.
Comment by Steve on September 29, 2008
I’m with you bro…southern baptist are the pushiest most worthless cocksuckers on earth..I hate em…they actually make people who believe in a god resent god. Total fuckin jerks. Start throwing sharp metal in their grass then they’ll slow the mowing down….lol
Comment by kevin on July 6, 2009