Stolen Jesuses
I met a real gem tonight (really cute one, too). This person is of iconic stature. I’ve heard this urban legend about a jesus bandit who goes around stealing jesus statues and those lil jesus guys in those manger props around Christmas time. I thought it was all bunk.
Until I met her. Well not in person. But in spirit (online). For the sake of anonymity, let’s call her Anonymous. Let’s also assume that she lives in Bolivia (across the street from me). She told me tales of how she pounds shots of booze and goes out ripping them off at night and how awesome it was and how she has stockpiles of the damn things laying around. Wow man, how awesome is that. It takes real ball balls to do that kind of hardcore shit. That is like, special ops kind of shit. That is in the territory of Tony Jaa quality kickassedness because if you think about it, there has to be all these bright ass reindeers and xmas lights out the wazoo’s asshole and if you are pounding shots of booze, all those big ass plastic Santa’s have to really be messing with you.
So I guess I just uncovered the truth about the jesus bandit. Urban legend my ass. And to think he/she uncovered his/her secrets to me… holy shit man, I think I just got something in my eye.
lol doesn’t do justice to my booming laughter and the utter flattery i’m feeling.
hahahaha!!! i would say godbless but i think you’ll take it appropriately when i say goddamn you jim!!
just awesome! thank you dear sir, you have made my little night!!! lol….. and no worries cause soon, hopefully, you will have your own little saviour collection of your own and become part of the legend
you rock!
Comment by jesus bandit on September 2, 2008
Hope you burn in hell for aspiring to steal Jesus statues, or any other property for that matter. Maybe when you get there, you’ll learn correct grammar. Asshole.
Comment by none on September 3, 2008
Hi None, thank you kindly for your comments. I really appreciate you taking your time to increase the keyword count on my website, and thus increasing the monetary return from my ads. You will undoubtedly increase my page rank, and for that, I’m forever in your debt. Tis a shame though that I can’t remain in your debt, as I will most certainly burn up rather quickly in hell.
It’s kind of funny though, that you bring up burning in hell. My first instinct was to reciprocate your thoughts, and hope that you freeze up there in heaven. But I quickly came to my senses and did some research. Mt. Everest is the closest thing to heaven I figure, and since the summit of Mt. Everest averages a temperature of -2º F, you perhaps wouldn’t die (nobody ever dies on Everest), but you would be quite chilly.
But while I was searching for the temperature in heaven, I came across a very very interesting read! Apparently they have scientifically studied the temperatures of both heaven and hell. I was SHOCKED at the results.
According to this FABULOUS article I found, they determined that the temperature in heaven is a smoldering 977º F, while the temperature in hell remains a brisk 832º F. Read the entire article here, it’s great:
http://www.religioustolerance.org/hell_tem.htm
A real man is quick to admit when he is wrong. Considering you to freeze in heaven was a very uneducated guess that I answered with a shoddy, childish attitude and blatant ignorance. For that, None, I sincerely apologize. Never in a million years would I have guessed that the boiling point of a soul is somewhere between 833º F and 976º F. What a stupid, stupid man I am.
Comment by Jim Jamesson on September 3, 2008
Hey man,
You might have found the jesus bandit, but have you ever met the Easter Bunny bandit?
Back in high school, I got way messed up one night that my mom was at night school. There was a neighbor that lived a street over, but was a short skip through the woods to. This woman had litterally over 35 fake plastic blow up bunny rabbits in her yard, tethered to anything and everything. My friend Rick and I thought it would be awesome fun to take this from her. So we proceeded to get fucked up and armed with trash bags and wire cutters, set out about the deed. We got them all. It was covert, sneaking in and out of her yard, deflating bunnies and stuffing them in the trash bags. We were quite proud of our work. I took every single one of them to school the next day, and gave them away. Oddly enough, a girl I knew, said her aunt’s bunnies were hijacked. We figured out, hey, it was me!
That day went down in history in my school, and there were pictures taken of the renegade bunnies! What else are you going to do when a 3 foot tall blue bunny with a carrot in one paw is staring you down?
Comment by Arlynnia aka you know who... on September 3, 2008
oh holy shit the temp post is hilarious!
i figure that being surrounded by all of my plastic baby saviors upon the time of my departure, i will surely bypass the regular destinations. heaven, hell. hopefully, the shear buoyancy and plasticity of all of them will create some wonderous rip in the time/space continuum. and i will instead be transported to some limbo at a cool 77 degrees where i sit and talk with meryl streep in togas…
it’s very scientific really
Comment by jesus bandit on September 4, 2008