Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story makes you want to kick the shit out of someone
By Jim Jamesson on October 2nd, 2008 | Posted in Movies & Entertainment | Permalink
Right now, I feel like kicking the shit out of someone. Like, someone that deserves it not just some shlum on the streetcorner or something. Like if some guy slammed in our door right now with a shotgun demanding my tv or something, he would probably die. Like I would probably be scrambling for my camera so I could prove to the world that the coroners van was indeed in my driveway. Well unless I so brutally Jeet Kune Do’ed the burgler so heinously bad that he was beyond IDable or whatever, that I would be in the jailhouse probably, and therefore a mug shot should provide sufficient proof.
Lets talk about how unreal awesome this movie is though for a minute. Let me tell you, this could be a real gem of advice for all you dorky ass fucking high schoolers out there that always get beat up that are trying to be all cool like me. So you little fuckers especially, listen up. The next time some donkey jock bully pencils you in for your scheduled beat up, like right before you have to let your puny ass self get beat up and not stand up for yourself, do yourself a favor and follow these steps:
Step one Youtube dude
Go to youtube and watch the 60 seconds Dragon the Bruce Lee Story fight scene. If your beating up is imminent, relax dumbass, it’s only a 60 second fight scene. Quit your procrastinating and go get destroyed.Step two get pumped up goddammit
Get really fucking pumped up motivated because of the awesomefuckingness of that fight scene.Step three I told you so
Reminisce, just for a moment about the irony that is the moment you first read this piece of shit list and mused, “hah, boy sure hope I don’t need this faggy ass list…” Then snap back to reality, nevermind the fact that I told you so mother fucker!Step four review
Remember, this: Bruce Lee met a chick, who married him against the behest of her mom, who then disowned her, who years later, after a plethora of tragedies and ups and downs, had a child, who when the disowning mom finally went into menopause and finally grew a sack enough to go see her new grandchild, he played that shit off so fucking Iceman Val Kilmer in Top Gun ass cool that the mom the grandma him and that baby all were this huge loving family. How cool is that? Well, then he goes and does this karate ghee convention and tells everyone that he is the awesomest guy on the planet and that his style is the best style. Everyone boos him and says prove it. Now this guy just recovered from back surgery and spine shit and here he is having to prove it and what does he do? He says ok you bunch of ghees I’ll prove it and I’ll kick the shit out of ghee in this room in sixty fucking seconds. Then, like the worst possible opponent of all the guys in the world he would probably rather not have been there (and wearing a ghee, how convenient) all the sudden shows up and calls him a punk ass bitch. You dorks still with me here? This is the good part. This is when Bruce Lee, who gets kicked in the back and like all the shit goes to slow motion and his womans heart beats loud like an iko iko concert front row seat ass loud kind of loud, then he comes back, and he KICKS THE GUYS KICK and then kicks him in the face. Then when nobody is saying a goddamn motherfucking word he grabs his shirt grabs his woman and he, entourage in tow walk out of the place. So you high school kids, you remember that.Step five make sure theirs fuel in the tank
Drink a Red Bull or something with some caffeine because it will aid your alertness, and I feel, aid in the transport of adrenaline to your nutsack which is where you’re gonna need it.Step six go to hell
Proceed to your beat up location.Step seven Tony Jaa is not big but he could kick the shit out of 10 enormous dudes so can you
Listen, its no secret that you don’t have to be huge to kick someones ass. There are a load of things you can do to beat someone up, if you don’t have a basic idea of how to get beat up, you need to get a bunch of Karate Kid movies, and like start from the beginnings. Like How to Pass the Dweeb 101 pre-qualifying test for Dummies book kind of thing. Anyways, don’t take it from some shitty ass blog but one of the easiest things to do is wait until the dude is all up in your face. He’s gonna try to talk some shit first because the whole thing about it is that because you are still in high school you are inherently not that bright thus the bully will probably be like they are in the movies (people learn by repetition) and try to get in some cool saying or something, especially if his friends are there. This is a good time to slip in a distraction or something of the sort, the punch to the gut and the knee to the nuts won’t work, will be blocked and you’ll be off balance and subsequently get your ass stomped. Best to get in a valid strike, catch him offguard, manuever behind the bully, get a simple and easy headlock while pulling him to the ground. He will have no balance and if you’re lucky might still be hurting from your initial blow (maybe take out a knee or if you practiced I bet a crouching upper cut strike to the throat would make for a fantastic grandkids story). Once you have him on the ground I’d put all of your 120lb scrawny weight onto one foot which happens to be resting on the bully’s throat. If you came prepared, now would be a nice time for that pocket knife to his eye to ensure he doesn’t try to squirm out.Step eight congradulations
After your triumph, rise in respect among your peers and subsequent return to normalcy, shoot me an email and thanking me so I could share it with my friends would be mighty swell of you.So there you have it. That is what makes Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story an incredibly awesome movie. The movie itself is kind of sappy and far fetched in places, but the 58 second fight scene is one for the ages. It has to be in the top 10, maybe top 5. I don’t know really.
1 Comment
Tags: Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story, fight scenes, How to beat up a bully
Practicality isn’t always the best route!
Comment by Steve on October 3, 2008