Jim’s real world guide for old people new to the internet: Lesson 1: Chat rooms, email, message boards omg lol!
Alright. I have probably wasted six million hours watching old people type out the double-you-double-you double-you-dot-oh-shit-that’s-a-comma-backspace-backspace-backspace-backspace-double-you-double-you-double-you-dot…. fucking shit!!! So, to help combat youngsters the world over from suffering thru shit like this, I’ve decided to put together the long-needed Geezer’s Ultimate Guide to Learning Real-world, No-shit Useful Internet Techniques. Hopefully, some of you will find your glasses and learn how to quit being duped into spammers and useless anti-virus subscriptions and all kinds of other web horsestool. Every week I will write very insightful dribble that will teach you the ins, outs and sideways of the www.
This week, we’re gonna start with some basic chat room shit. Some of you will somehow be forced into chatting with some lame ass grandchild or techno-fag transgendered cousin or some other real group leader. Before we get into the beef of chatting online and learning some internet slang, let’s first understand what the fuck exactly the word ‘chat’ encompasses. You q-tip dweebs out there like to tell your friend Bozana that “you got it from an online chatroom” or some other lame nonsense like that. There are 4 major, distinct forms of ‘chatting’ on the web. (Well, at least 4 that are within the realm of your comprehension at this point. Maybe we’ll talk about them some other day.)
Chat room / IRC
This is like, AOL’s insanely faggotry-filled chat rooms, i.e.., AshevilleM4M, ClevlandT4SALE, shit like that. No, IRC does not stand for I Runnoutta Cannibis, it be Internet Relay Chat. What the fuck is that! you ask? IRC is a way for a bunch of ‘holes to type and talk to each other in real-time. Eventually you’ll wind up in one of these hellholes, and the very first thing you’ll notice is that it looks like fucking ‡fl‹°›€‚‡‹›‡ Hebrewknees. We’ll get to that here in a little bit though, I don’t want to overwhelm your delicate casings.
Instant messaging clients
AOL Instant Messenger, Yahoo! Messenger, MSN Messenger, ICQ, etc. Personally, I use one called Adium that lets me keep all my various accounts in one application. These are some of the popular instant messaging (or IM) clients out there. Most of you probably already have them preinstalled. Most of you will probably struggle setting them up, as they require you to navigate a maze of questions that will enable you to easily communicate with other human beings without having to hear them or see their stupid face. One day, I might go over my 10 coveted secrets on how to really piss people off while IM’ing, but that is beyond the scope of this writing.
Email (ELECTRONIC-MAIL)
Email has been around forever and I’m banking on Mr. JFC Jesus Fictitious Christ himself that you’ve heard of email by now. If not, I’ll reluctantly explain. In order to send someone an email, you need to have an email address of your own, and an email address to send it to. Just like if you send a letter from your house to your Grandma’s house… you’d need to tell the Post Office of your house address, just like you have to tell some website your email address. There’s lots of easy ways to do this. The easiest bestest way is to get a free Gmail or Yahoo! email address. I’m actually leaning toward replacing my entire email with Gmail. It’s that good.
Once that’s all set, the magic begins. You ‘login’ to the email place, and click NEW EMAIL. You type your shit in the box, and press send. Fuck the USPS, this is waaaay faster! Almost instantly, the letters and shit you typed are sent digitally through wires that connect the internet and the other person gets an annoying sound telling them they got your stupid email. Rad.
Email differs from instant messaging and chat rooms in a really big important way. Where as with chat rooms and instant messages you are basically sending data directly to those other peoples computer screens. With Email, it’s like you sending separate envelopes each time. Think of it like a pen-pal versus a phone call.
Message boards, forums and bulletin boards
Yet another popular form of communicating online is via internet forums. These forums, or message boards are online discussion sites. These websites allow people to join (or subscribe… most are free but some aren’t) and post questions and answers. The main difference is that these are usually public web pages that everyone can see. As soon as you post your shit, the website updates it and in most cases notifies (via that magic email) that someone responded to something they were following.
More than likely, my explanation of this sounds more complicated than it actually is. Some good examples of messages boards would be:
So that’s about it. If you send someone an email, you are not in a chat room with them. If you’re typing back and forth in real-time to your Steppucker in Cincinnati swing–state Ohio while you are in Fart Myers Florida, you are instant messaging. Sinking in I hope?
Now that we know the differences in chats, instant messaging and email, let’s examine some of the internet jargon you’re likely to see. Because I just spent 12 hours in a car on I-75 I had some free time to assemble all the terms I’ve come across in my 20 years of onlining:
- asl – age / sex / location
- aslp – age / sex / location / phone
- aim – aol instant messenger
- afk – away from keyboard
- afc – away from computer
- addy – address
- adn – any day now
- aka – also known as
- anon – anonymous
- attn – attention
- ayd – are you done
- aydy – are you done yet
- aydymf – are you done yet mother fucker?
- fy – fuck you
- fym – fuck your mom
- fyd – fuck your dad
- gfy – go fuck yourself
- gfs – go fuck someone
- bff – best friends forever
- ( () ) <=====8 – I want you to ram your dick into my asshole
- bbt – be back tomorrow
- bday – birthday
- bf – boyfriend
- gf – girlfriend
- hoe – you’re a hoe, shut up you hoe, garden tool
- bj – blowjob
- brd – bored
- brdtftd – bored the fuck to death
- brb – be right back
- stfu – shut the fuck up
- cs – cock sucker
- ds – dick sucker
- pe – pussy eater
- am – asshole muncher
- iwtfybk – i want to fuck your balloon knot
- cig – cigarette
- cmao – crying my ass off
- cml – call me later
- cmon – come on
- cmtfon – come the fuck on
- ctfd – calm the fuck down
- cms – content management system
- col – crying out loud
- bab – being a bitch
- comp – computer
- coo – fag slang for cool
- cp – child porn
- cpm – cost per metric (1000 impressions usually)
- cr – can’t remember
- cfra – can’t fucking remember, asshole
- csl – can’t stop laughing
- ctn – can’t talk now
- cya – adios mother fucker
- cyb, cyber, cybr – lame as hell computer sex (jacking off)
- cym – check your mail
- cwyldijgastd – check with your fucking doctor i just gave you a sexually transmitted disease
- dw – don’t worry
- dc – i just got fucking disconnected because i won’t upgrade to cable modem
- d8 – date
- dah – dumb as hell
- dbg – don’t be gay
- dg – don’t go, I’m a loser and nobody else will give me the time of day
- dh – dickhead
- diy – do it yourself you sandbagging lazy dick
- dlf – dopping like flies because this chatroom is fucking boring and full of tards
- dn – don’t know, i’m fucking rain man stupid, etc.
- dt – double team with jean claude van damme
- dta – don’t trust anyone
- dyk – did you know (probably not)
- eg – example
- ead – eat a dick
- eg – evil grin
- eos – end of story
- fu – fuck you
- f2f – face to face
- f4f – female for female
- f4m – female for male
- fag – faggot
- fav – favorite
- fbtw – fine be the fuck that way
- ff – friendly fire
- ffa – free for all
- ffr – for future reference
- fg – fucking gay
- fm – fuck me
- fn – first name
- fo sho – i’m singing that stevie wonder song where they had every singer that was popular… we are the world i think
- frk – freak
- ftr – for the record
- gf – girlfriend
- g2g – got to go
- g2h – go to hell
- g4u – good for you nobody gives a shit but you were so pathetic that i felt somehow compelled to at least be sarcastic but at least i gave you the time of day so be grateful
- gal – get a life
- gm – good morning
- gmv – got my vote
- gr8 – a convention of top national advisors at some summit someplace
- heya – hi i sound dainty in real life
- hiya – hi i shop at the gap in real life and in fact wearing something from their fall collection awt
- hj – hand job
- hb – horny bastard
- hldn – hold the fuck on
- hrny - horny and probably packing std
- htr – hater
- hw – homework
- hy – hell yawls
- ic – oh, what a dumbass, now i understand
- icup – i see you pee
- idc – i don’t give a shit
- idk – i don’t know
- igarbp – i got a really big parrot
- ik – i know
- imo – in my opinion
- imho – im my humble opinion + trying to impress you with big words i know not the meaning of
- iyf – in yo face
- jk – just kidding
- jo – jack off
- jpwybfacm – just playing with your balls for a couple minutes
- jw – just wondering
- jas – just a second
- jc – just curious
- kewl – clay
- kir – kid in room, try to keep it clean and shit
- kit – keep in touch
- kitt – the knight industries two thousand
- ko – knockout
- kyag – kiss your ass goodbye
- kys – kill yourself
- l8r – later
- lan – local area network
- lhs – lets have sex
- lic – like i care
- lmao – laughing my asscheeks off
- lmb – lick my balls
- lmk – let me know
- lmp – lick my pussy
- lnk – link
- lol – laugh out loud
- ms – microsoft
- mf – male or female
- m4f – male for female
- m4m – male for male
- m8 – mate, friend, buddy, etc.
- my – my bad
- mf, mofo – mother fucker
- mfa – mother fuckin’ asshole!
- milf – mom i’d like to fuck
- milgao – mom i’d like to give another one
- mpih – my penis is hard
- msf – male seeking female
- msg – monosodium glutamate
- msmd – monkey suck monkey dick
- mu – miss you
- mc – no comment
- nm – nevermind
- no – no offence
- news – north east west south
- naw – a disagreeing white guy trying to sound black
- nfc – no fucking clue
- nic – network interface card
- nr – no reserve (like, ebay shit)
- nsa – no strings attached
- nuca – no umbilical cord attached
- nss – no shit sherlock
- obo – or best offer
- od – something that the skeleton that is Keith Richards will eventually do
- ocd – what i have to deal with every single day
- omg – oh my god
- omfg – oh my fucking god can you see all the variations of this one
- pw, pwd – password
- p2p – peer to peer
- pbly – probably
- perv – online predator who is probably up to no good
- pf – profile
- pics – pictures
- pita – pain in the ass
- poo – stool
- pron – north carolinian for porn
- qt – what 58 year old married men are baiting your 14 year old daughter with
- rofl – rolling on the floor
- rimot – rolling in my own turds
- sob – son of a bitch
- sn – screen name
- sbd – silent but deadly
- sh – shit happens
- shtbb – shit happens to be brown
- t2m – talk to me before i have to fake cutting my wrists
- t4m – transgender for male
- tat – tattoo
- tld – top level domain
- tp – what happens to your sears siding if you don’t give out candy on halloween
- txt – text
- un – username
- ul – upload
- ups – a stupid guy that draws brown logos on a stupid whiteboard while another one of the same stupid guy walks over
- uya – up your asshole
- vfa – virgins forever
- vid – video
- wow – world of warcraft a game for people with no social life
- werkz – an inside joke
- wp – wrong asshole
- wtb – want to buy
- wtf – what the fuck
- wtg – way to go
- www – world wide web
- ys – you suck
- yseb – you suck equestrian balls
- ygg – you go girl, you got gonorrhea, you’re getting gayer, you’re goddamn gay
- yw – your welcome
- z – just add the tilde
