Jim Jamesson

Here you can see the accuracy of his gun clip. JFC.

Right now, I’m watching Steven Seagal’s heinous movie Kill Switch starring Steven Seagal, as my punishment for signing up with Netflix and having the entire flock of Seagal movies readily available. Hopefully, I’ll be the first human to warn you about watching this piece of shit. If you haven’t yet seen it, don’t.

The first thing you’ll notice about this movie is Southern Steven Seagal’s ungodly crappy southern accent. It’s unbelievable… there are times when he will speak and actually forget the accent, only to remember it at the end of the sentence. It’s really that bad. In fact, to show you just how crappy it is, here’s what’s going on right now:

Ok, Southern Steven Seagal with a stupid southern accent, just stole a pipe from the bad guys that were beating him up and now he is using the pipe to beat them up. He just said “still wanna play? Take your best shot!” The guy is trying his best shots. Seagay punched him in the face with a resounding ass thud.

Now the guy is trying to punch again THUD THACK THUMP THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH 3 ribs he just cracked of this twerpy fucking guy. Shit, here comes the guy no wait Seagal flipped him and he landed on a bar — shot of the hot girls boobs — 00H landed on the bar and is out cold. Now hes back to the original black guy he wanted to question.

He’s holding his arms and fingers are broke, and just crushed his head and his upper jaw in the bar top. and is beating the back of his skull with his teeth sunk into the bar, he is about to crush him. He he has no teeth left and has blood gushing everywhere. He was able to threaten Segay as he walks away.

Now Seagal grabs the hot tit girl and goes downtown. She’s hot I would fuck her. Here comes trouble. Seagal gunfight just like that.

Bam bam bam Seagal. No reloading, 5,858,585,858,585 shots fired. No reload. Awesome.

My brother says “you can’t be a bad ass with a gun.”

Fuck these guys. It’s a full on gun war. No reloading I have seen yet still. Thousands of shots have been fired (handguns). Hope I am on the right keys typing this I would hate if it was all in like hebrew. Steve says right now “this movie is fucking dumb.”

Still going. Still gunfiring. Guy died. still seizure action filmography. Black guy with no teeth and apparently no ill affects from having his jaw cracked on a bar counter, just said “FUCK YOU” to Seagal and Seagal blasted him to smitherienes with his 309 remaining shots in his Glock.

Here comes satan Metallica guy. Uhoh, hot girl has just becamse one of the main characters. enter another female lady wearing a cop shirt thats absolutely appropriately buttoned down as fuck. Tell me, what cop wears there shirt like that anyways? Are they fucking kkidding me? I wish the cop chicks in Asheville dressed like this.

Netflix dvd is fucking up. Godammit Netflix, you are compounding the shittiness of this movie.

So now there’s a lull and a bunch of gabbing that’s supposedly important to the plot of this story. someone is yelling outside and they are bugging me.

Rap music comes on and a pimp and hooker or something. black people, rap music, graffiti, must be a bad part of town and something bad is about to go down. enter some douchey white guy.

My brother recommends that I should go to a dance club one night just to get an accurate picture of just exactly how fucking stupid these places are. Maybe one of these days…

We just muted the tv. It’s really getting bad now.

Big titty girl walking down a dark alley. Bad white guy showed up. Unmute.

Now its a Seagal flashback. When he was a kid he saw the serial killer’s face. Big woopty doo.

Here comes the black guy knocking on the door. Now they are drinking straight Jack Daniels. They are man’s men because they drink Jack straight up. Now I have had Jack Daniels before and have witnessed other people drink Jack Daniels (or any bourbon for that matter). You dont say ahh after that like it was a swig of Sunny D. In real life you cough and you look like a fucking dope ass tool. That was like a double or triple shot worth of Jack. That much Jack in one swig makes your eyes fucking water and all that shit goes on and you cry and look like a real ass. Not these guys.

Thats it, black guy leaving. Man does this movie suck.

OOOH theres that Steven Seagal blues riff. bwaaayyy bweepuudeepuudeepadooo. Deepaaadadooooo.

Crime scene. You can tell (this was written by Seagal) that he must sit around at home (fat now) and watch CSI type shows. You can tell cause its like all CSI bluesy color and all the forensic shit.

Now this lady, “Not Cheryl Hines” from RV. Haha Seagal’s accent is so fucking losery gay southern fake wannabe in this movie. You can tell (because he got Mark Collie again) that he wants to be all southern retirement life. He will have a house in Boone or something.

I bet you $100 that at the local music store by Seagal’s house, he is their biggest customer and they talk him into buying so much useless shit that he doesn’t need but can handily afford.

I wish he didn’t make the fight scenes so seizurey. Why cant all fight scenes be like the Protector with Tony Jaa. They make him actually do the shit and film it in super slow mo and you see like what he actually does. Because its like this. If a stunt man can jump kick and place his foot 2 inches from your retina, he can just the same place his foot 2 inches beyond your retina.

Great, here comes FBI lady busting into a greazy white trash guy wearing the trademark wife beater. Hmm, no wonder they call it a wife beater. He was just beating his wife.

he has a large knife. A Mic Dundee knife. Now threatening a lady but she beats him up haha.

This is fucking stupid.

So she kicks his ass any in turn proves to us that she can kick ass. So probably they will work her in another fight scene later on and she will have to kick some mean lady’s ass or something. Like the mean lady always has nun chucks and is always an awesome fighter. No wonder The Protector was so awesome because they had a REAL fight scene. Tony Jaa is kick ass and like they show the lady kicking ass like she pulls out this knife and you are like oh here we go again the fucking hot girl bad ass kicker well Tony Jaa catches her punch and twists her wrist as she screams in agony then he pushes her head to the floor and she is knocked cold. Now that’s reality.

Kill Switch is beyond stupid at this point. This movie warrants some fucking discussion. So, after his “wife???” is murdered, the movie ends, he skips town, although being proven innocent, and in the next scene pulls into a foreign house in a foreign vehicle with a foreign two kids and a foriegn speaking blonde wife. With presents. It’s as if, mother fucker?!

Ok we get it. HAHA Seagal is singing SOUTHERN BLUES ROCK right now as the credits fade. Look at this shit we actually see this girls tits. But what the fuck do you know EX MOTHER FUCKING ACTLY as I predicted earlier we would see her strip, see some nips and some ‘oobage and he would kiss, implying he is about to get his lil’ dickie wet and they would fade it out. So she strips he kisser her he looks at the camera like an eff aye gee and shuts the bedroom door. And thank god for that lemme tell you Seagal is no fucking Van Damme.

So anyways that’s gotta be about Segal’s worst movie I’ve ever seen. It came out in 2008. That’s like gotta be just a few days ago. It must have went straight to Netflix. Steven Seagal, if you ever read this. I swear man. I am trying so hard to still talk you up to my friends but your movies are getting really bad dude. Listen man… fuck all that seizure moving split action filmography shit. Go rent The Protector and get real. I know you are getting up there in years, and that is cool and all. You don’t HAVE to kick peoples ass all the time and be all super fast. You qualify for OLD MAN HURT status (and that is elite dammit) and that means it’s ok for you to start beating people ‘with your mind’ and shit like that. We don’t expect to see 79 year old Clint Eastwood chasing crooks down the fucking street, it’s O.K. to beat people up more with brains now.

That movie really stunk. I don’t recommend anyone watching or fuck, reading this shitty ass article for that matter. Hopefully you didn’t do either and I don’t the hell blame you.