How to support global warming and exponentially increase your carbon footprint
By Jim Jamesson on November 18th, 2008 | Posted in Pointless Dribble | Permalink
Man do I hope this global warming shit is real. Right now its fucking cold outside. I went to take a piss and instead of my usual piss it was a cold hard solid block of ice that looked like a section of fucking fiber optic cable. And I only live in NC… I try to imagine these fuckers living further up north, and I just… I’m just fucking speechless.
Nothing sucks more than the cold. You see, I’m a Floridiot by birth and native Floridiots are flat-out not built for cold weather. Personally, I have a 50º limit. Anything above 50º my joints still function and my jaw allows me to speak. Below 50º it all goes to fuck. When it’s this cold out, I spend my waking day engulphed in this huge fucking sheepskin eskimo jacket that offers me warmth, but at the expense of extreme ridicule. What the fuck.
Seems like although winter ain’t even officially here yet, it’s colder than all hell get out. (I wonder what the hell ‘all hell get out’ even fucking means, anyway.). See, here’s the problem with cold weather. Not only do you have to deal with insanely cold bullshit, but two other distinctly separate issues actually arise. First, if you live in the bible belt like I unfortunately do, cold weather is the #1 topic of rednecks and hillbillies that live around here, and boy do they sure love talking about the shit. Not once in my life during cold weather have I purchased an item from a store and NOT had some fuck in line turn around and tell me just exactly how cold it is out. Like I needed the reminder. Perhaps he didn’t see the frost crystals forming under my nostrils, and the blood coming from my retinas as my tears freeze and tear open cuts in my eyelids. God damn!
Secondly is the frustration one feels regarding gas prices and the economy. You see, with the economy resembling a crap in a toilet, it’s a stretch to even afford increasing ones’ carbon footprint. Personally, I want my carbon footprint to be higher than that of a fucking jet plane. Best I figure, the higher our carbon footprints are, the warmer the winters will be. I give a damn about some ice melting on the other side of the planet right now, I just want to walk outside and not have my skin turn purple.
So for my sake, do what you can to consume and spend more. Drive as much as possible while gas prices act like it’s 2004 and increase your carbon footprint 100 fold. Quit being a pessimistic douche focusing on the environment for a bit and instead focus on our comfort level as human beings during these horsedick-swallowing winter months. The more we can contribute to global warming, the less heating oil we’ll need to burn. Isn’t that the goal anyways?
So without further adieu, here’s 5 tips you can do this winter to help increase your carbon footprint and support the much-desired warming of the earth:
Drive as much as realistically possible
It’s simple. The more you drive, the more you help heat this frigid ass planet. Try to take the scenic route on your way to work every day. This way, you increase your chances of directly polluting more ‘natural’ habitats such as parks and forests all while wasting more fossil fuel.I’m not blind… I understand that many of you cannot drive more due to the lagging economy and gas prices. Don’t let this get you down. There’s still a large number of vehicles on the road that lack locking gas caps. If you’re smart, buy a rubber hose and read this fantastic article on how to siphon gas.
Avoid carpools like the plague, but still take advantage of HOV lanes
Any automotive expert can tell you. The faster you go, the more gas you burn. The more gas you burn, the more you contribute to global warming. If you live near a big city, chances are many of your freeways already have HOV (high occupancy vehicle) lanes dedicated to carpooling and lower traffic. I say, take advantage of these diamond commuter lanes and drive as fast the fuck as you possibly can. If you’re a pussy and are worried that you’ll be pulled over by some dick beat cop because you only have one person in your car, don’t fret. Go rent Clint Eastwood’s Escape from Alcatraz and learn how to build a simple paper machete dummy. If he can do it with simple prison materials from the 60′s, surely the fuck you can also do it. Get one of those and leave him in your car. Hey, if nothing else, this will make you ‘feel better’ about blowing 80mph by some poor shlum hitchhiking in freezing rain.Cut down freshly-planted trees
More than likely, some bogus company charged someone a hundred bucks to ‘offset their carbon footprint’ and planted a new tree. We simply cannot have shit like this going on. Serve your purpose in this world and cut down that new seedling. Preferrably, do that shit at night so you don’t get caught. I’d hate for a perfectly good global warming contributor to be wasting away in jail, so be smart out there and don’t get busted.Liberally use aerosol spray paint, even if you need to start huffing
This shit supposedly destroys our ozone layer, so you must take care to use spray paints to death. I mean, if you’re REALLY serious about helping our economy, what better company is there to help stay in business besides Krylon? They make some fantastic paints! I have personally painted the exterior of 4 apartment complexes using nothing other than Krylon spray paint. Using exterior latex paint is for the fucking birds, lemme tell ya. While it’s true that spray painting your house does cost quite a bit more, imagine how much larger your CF is as a result! And who says dreams can’t come true?By the way, here’s a professional house-painting tip when using spray paints. While the spray can may recommend holding the can 8-12 inches from the surface to-be-painted, I generally hold my cans 8-12 feet from the surface to further let the aerosol integrate with its surroundings. Remember, any little bit helps!
Tip: If you’re new to huffing, here’s a few tips to get you started.
Recycle!
Remember to recycle absolutely everything you can! It’s like this… the more you recycle, the less waste goes to our landfills. If we send too much shit to our landfills, the eventually become so tall where they stop the landfill and replace it out with a pretty park or golf course or some other shit. We absolutely don’t need things like this. Want it to be warmer? Keep shit out of landfills and recycle your ass off!Start wildfires (preferably west of me, but not so close that I need to relocate if you fuck up and it spreads too far)
One can’t help but wonder just how much warmer the temperature is due east of the ongoing Los Angeles wildfires. It seems that starting wildfires is a great way to increase the average global temperature. Make sure to cover your tracks and use government-provided weather forecasts. If you plan to start your wildfires during periods of drought and potential high wind, you’ll definitely have a more efficient and longer-lasting wildfire.Use and stockpile standard incandescent light bulbs
Between 2012 and 2014, the United States Government plans to phase out all incandescent light bulbs from manufacturing and use due to their excessive electricity use. If you desire a sasquatch-sized carbon footprint like I do, you absolutely need to stockpile on these energy-wasting contraptions. Avoid things like LED’s which put off tremendous light with nearly zero heat. Stick with incandescent bulbs, and leave all of them running in your house at all times of the day–even at night.So there you have it folks. A handful of simple things you can do to help keep our winters cozy. If you have other ideas, please comment below and share them with the world!
2 Comments
Tags: burn more gas, HOV carpool lane, how to huff, incandescent lighting, increase carbon footprint, support global warming
If we silly humans did not put out every wild fire, the atmosperic soot and carbon would be higher and the forest would be healthier, bad humans. In addition, the prairies would burn every year releasing it’s carbon back. Again, bad humans.
Comment by BobB on January 4, 2009
My Dear Friend Jim, It has also been proven that when an individual uses much foul language those words being produced by the back of a human throat emit a far greater amount of God damned CO fucking 2 particles; I greatly appreciate your liberal usage of the phrases–especially “horsedick-swallowing.” That was nearly wonderful. But sir, out of my deep-seated fear of offending you I hesitate before mentioning you have failed to speak of one of the best ways of increasing our footprints on this blessed Mother Earth: if, as entities which dare be bold enough to label ourselves as human beings, we must be responsible enough to eat as many beans as we possibly can consume into our bulging beer-stomachs. It matters not whether said bean products are refried or prepared some other way. I have found you can eat them raw, too, though you may need to wear a prize fighter’s mouthpiece while doing it. It has been scientifically proven that the more bean products we eat the more we will emit wonderful methane gas from our ass holes. It is a blessing for me to know that while I am breaking wind in Texas I am relieving my fellow humans of the harshness of the cold Bible Belt winters and their fiber optic-like piss streams that are so painful upon their exiting of the pissing apparatus. While it may make an individuals vicinity smell of fecal matter, it is the right and caring thing to do. I am regretful that I can not drive anymore and help to further increase your quality of life; I can not drive because I am a convicted felon who drove around drunk too often listening to George Jones and Conway Twitty CD’s. As soon as I am able I shall do it again.
Jim, you are a wise and prudent man, and one after my own heart.
Sinfuckingserely, Brad Neal Motherfucker Turtle Shit Donkey Throbbing Dick Clit Clark
Comment by Brad Neal Clark on May 29, 2010