Flight of Fury with Steven Seagal really sucks
“Man, this movie sucks” my brother just said. We’re just a little ways into Steven Seagal’s Flight of Fury. So far they’ve got a budget of around $300 dollars and have spent about $20 bucks of it. They are in Afghanistan (a local landfill) and they just landed a stealth plane on the desert. A gun battle takes place with a hot middle eastern looking terrorist chick (Katie Jones) that soon is about to have a partial lesbian sex scene with another hot black chick (Ciera Payton), who is her nemesis, although they live in the same army base.
Here is our guy, Steven Seagal. Ahh, Photoshop CS4 is cool.
There is a guy in this movie (Mark Bazeley) who looks like what you would get if Dennis Leary and James Spader had anal sex with each other and one of them got pregnant. 9 months and 35 years later, you’ve got this guy. Luckily, this nerd dies to very little fanfare at the end of the movie, although he does give a half-assed effort to act like it’s this dire scene which deserves partial credit.
So basically what’s going on here is a bunch of soft-porn grade actors all put together in one studio and a landfill for a couple of hours. This movie feels like I’m watching a community-college level video 101 class project, starring Steven Seagal, Dennis Leary/James Spader, a guy who looks like a real fuckhead, and a smokin’ hot middle eastern looking chick and a pretty hot black chick.
These people cannot act. M. Night Shamalan acts better than these people, and that mother fucker cannot act for shit.
Ok, right now there’s a torture scene coming up. Dennis Spader got smacked in the face, and the torture expert went for the rack of precision surgical instruments. But, for some reason, instead of torturing the guy (which is a shame because he deserves it) the bad guy inexplicably declares that “he won’t talk” so they just smack him the face a few more times for shitz and giggle, slam the door, and leave.
This is basically like a rip off of Fox Networks 24, only it comes up far too short. More like 13. More like 1.3. More like diareah.
Ok, so the lesbian scene is about to come up. In the next hangar over from the bad guys lair lives the hot black chick. Her and Seagal must have a history because they hugged. Now the bad guys are beating on her door… uhoh, it’s the smokin’ hot middle east chick. She just caught a glimpse of the black girls tits. She tells the henchman to leave. The henchman knows what’s up. Black girl rubs her hair, Middle east slips down her lingerie straps or whatever they are, and then slips her gun into her ass crack. Now we see tits and black chick is sucking on some middle eastern tits. Seagal watches in the shadows, unbeknownst to smokin’ hot chick. Lots of moaning and pleasuring, pretty nice of Seagal to work that one in for the 3 remaining fans he has left.
Ohh! Black chick pulls a gun, middle east girl leaves, and henchman quips “that was quick.”
This is a pathetic movie and has no business being a real movie. For instance, in the main military control room, the prop people had painted LED looking displays and touch screens and all this, and then put track lighting on them to make them have a sheen. If you look real carefully, there’s all these extras touching them like they are doing all this work and dragging and scaling and touch screen shit. But nothing changes. Nothing blinks. Nothing moves because it’s painted on the wall.
The main bad guy looks like he was running 24mph right into a wall. He cannot act and he’s a crappy bad guy. You think all along that this is the guy Seagal gets to fight in the end, but you’re wrong.
There is no end fight scene, only Zoul.
The end fight scene consists of several drawn out scenes of bad acting and archived 70′s footage of jets and SR-71s and fake looking invisible stealths whizzing by. It’s really, really stupid and consists of many stupid one liners that sounds more like using a karaoke mic to dildo ram your own asshole while you have bad gas than actual movie dialog.
Here you can see Seagal's hand stand-in placing his car key into a cracker jack box wrapped with cardboard.
The car-clicker and cracker jack box (C4 explosive and detonator) used in Flight of Fury.
If I had a VHS of this movie, I believe I would string the tape all over Seagal’s yard. Maybe even put the broken bits under his bicycle tires and hope they pop. I dare anyone to watch this movie. I double dare you. It’s so heinous that you want to slice your own wrists and die from it. That would be less painful than simply finishing the movie.
But alas, I endured all that suffering so you wouldn’t have to. And no, I know what you’re thinking. You think this makes me some kind of crumb of your Jesus Christ, but I’m no Jesus. Just a guy who knows he will never watch Flight of Fury ever again. Twice was more than plenty.
