Jim Jamesson

Babe.

The Golden Girls - sexy steady like a rock.

I noticed something while watching the Hallmark channel’s Golden Girls marathon. During the entire run of this show, which was a whopping 180 ass episodes over 7 seasons, their fashion stays pretty consistent. Even during the obvious change-up of the writing staff. So it got me thinking, and it goes a lot deeper than that. Older women’s fashion seems to pretty much does not budge. Ever. This might not be so apparent around here in the mountains, but maybe it’s because I really just don’t see many people here period–old lady or not. But in Florida, I seemingly know and interact with scores of old women, and their fashion (or lack therof) is as clear as a sidepunch to the face.

Read more »

Easily the most recognizable helicopter from TV. Except maybe Blue Thunder?

Airwolf was one of the cooler shows of the 80′s if you ask me. The film quality, editing and most of the acting is downright terrible, and even the computer graphics at the time were a bit cloogey. But once you get past all of that (it’s not easy…), you’re left with a show of a top-rate helicopter pilot (Jan-Michael Vincent) and his likable buddy, Dominic Santini (Ernest Borgnine) who actually do a pretty good job. I’d say if they remade this show today using the same dudes, it would probably be a lot cooler.

Read more »

This movie was so bad it’s not even worth talking about. I just wanted to make fun of Steven Seagal a little bit. This one was so bad, that I can’t even remember which pieces go with what movie. What terrible movies this guy makes nowadays.

Steven Seagal's latest movie, Belly of the Beast, is one to absolutely avoid.

“Man, this movie sucks” my brother just said. We’re just a little ways into Steven Seagal’s Flight of Fury. So far they’ve got a budget of around $300 dollars and have spent about $20 bucks of it. They are in Afghanistan (a local landfill) and they just landed a stealth plane on the desert. A gun battle takes place with a hot middle eastern looking terrorist chick (Katie Jones) that soon is about to have a partial lesbian sex scene with another hot black chick (Ciera Payton), who is her nemesis, although they live in the same army base. 

Here is our guy, Steven Seagal. Ahh, Photoshop CS4 is cool.

There is a guy in this movie (Mark Bazeley) who looks like what you would get if Dennis Leary and James Spader had anal sex with each other and one of them got pregnant. 9 months and 35 years later, you’ve got this guy. Luckily, this nerd dies to very little fanfare at the end of the movie, although he does give a half-assed effort to act like it’s this dire scene which deserves partial credit.

So basically what’s going on here is a bunch of soft-porn grade actors all put together in one studio and a landfill for a couple of hours. This movie feels like I’m watching a community-college level video 101 class project, starring Steven Seagal, Dennis Leary/James Spader, a guy who looks like a real fuckhead, and a smokin’ hot middle eastern looking chick and a pretty hot black chick.

Read more »

Don’t know about anyone else, but I cannot discern the difference between Stephen McHattie and Lance Henriksen. I just saw McHattie as Dr. Reston in Seinfeld, and remembered that he also played in that movie Shoot ‘Em Up. Henriksen as you recall, was the over-acting bad guy in Hard Target with Jean Claude Van Damme.

So, for everyone out there that thought these guys were the same guy, you are dead wrong. Coulda fooled me though…

If you can tell a difference between Stephen McHattie and Lance Henriksen, you are a better human than I.

Here you can see the accuracy of his gun clip. JFC.

Right now, I’m watching Steven Seagal’s heinous movie Kill Switch starring Steven Seagal, as my punishment for signing up with Netflix and having the entire flock of Seagal movies readily available. Hopefully, I’ll be the first human to warn you about watching this piece of shit. If you haven’t yet seen it, don’t.

The first thing you’ll notice about this movie is Southern Steven Seagal’s ungodly crappy southern accent. It’s unbelievable… there are times when he will speak and actually forget the accent, only to remember it at the end of the sentence. It’s really that bad. In fact, to show you just how crappy it is, here’s what’s going on right now:

Ok, Southern Steven Seagal with a stupid southern accent, just stole a pipe from the bad guys that were beating him up and now he is using the pipe to beat them up. He just said “still wanna play? Take your best shot!” The guy is trying his best shots. Seagay punched him in the face with a resounding ass thud.

Now the guy is trying to punch again THUD THACK THUMP THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH 3 ribs he just cracked of this twerpy fucking guy. Shit, here comes the guy no wait Seagal flipped him and he landed on a bar — shot of the hot girls boobs — 00H landed on the bar and is out cold. Now hes back to the original black guy he wanted to question.

He’s holding his arms and fingers are broke, and just crushed his head and his upper jaw in the bar top. and is beating the back of his skull with his teeth sunk into the bar, he is about to crush him. He he has no teeth left and has blood gushing everywhere. He was able to threaten Segay as he walks away.

Now Seagal grabs the hot tit girl and goes downtown. She’s hot I would fuck her. Here comes trouble. Seagal gunfight just like that.

Bam bam bam Seagal. No reloading, 5,858,585,858,585 shots fired. No reload. Awesome.

My brother says “you can’t be a bad ass with a gun.”

Fuck these guys. It’s a full on gun war. No reloading I have seen yet still. Thousands of shots have been fired (handguns). Hope I am on the right keys typing this I would hate if it was all in like hebrew. Steve says right now “this movie is fucking dumb.” Read more »

If you are alive on this planet and watch television shows, you’ve probably seen the Direct TV commercial by now where they hack a scene from the movie ‘Vacation’ with Chevy Chase and add in a new piece with Christie Brinkley in the swimming pool. If you look carefully, when Clark Griswold is taking off his pants, Christie Brinkley is standing in the pool right in front of the 6-foot deep marking on the pool:

If you watch the commercial you can tell she is clearly not doggie paddling.

I am as die hard of a Knight Rider fan as you’ll ever know. If I had $50k laying around, I would so be driving my own KITT. Not the new Val Kilmer ballbag KITT, the old original authentic and totally bad ass REAL KITT.

Michael Knight kicked a whole lot of ass. Go Hoff.

  Read more »

Last night as my brother and I were watching The Replicant, a surprisingly decent Van Damme movie that also stars that guy Hal Tucker from Cliffhanger. Anyways there was a scene in this movie with Van Damme wearing what seems to be one of Jim Varneys many many Ernest P. Worrell uniforms. I snapped a picture, but you just may want to add The Replicant to your Netflix so you can get the full effect.

Here you can see Ernest P. Worrell in his normal digs. Surely to god you remember who Ernest is.

Here we can clearly see Van Damme in The Replicant wearing the absolutely identical wardrobe.

Does this not look like the exact same outfit to you???

Right now, I feel like kicking the shit out of someone. Like, someone that deserves it not just some shlum on the streetcorner or something. Like if some guy slammed in our door right now with a shotgun demanding my tv or something, he would probably die. Like I would probably be scrambling for my camera so I could prove to the world that the coroners van was indeed in my driveway. Well unless I so brutally Jeet Kune Do’ed the burgler so heinously bad that he was beyond IDable or whatever, that I would be in the jailhouse probably, and therefore a mug shot should provide sufficient proof. Read more »

They know exactly what I like.

Van Damme Double Impact is absolutely Unique for Me.

Scenario. Good guy and bad guy shooting at each other. Good guy is running away, protecting the chick he just rescued or something, and she is running full speed forward, and good guy is running too, but shooting backwards at the bad guy, and keeping up with the girl at the same time-even nudging her from time to time to go faster. The good guy has a machine gun or something, and holds it down by his waist (good guys face would be covered up otherwise = reduced camera/face time), and blasts away with one hand.

Now the bad guy. He’s got some kind of high powered super sniper rifle with some really fucking cool scope or laser shit on it. He aims with his eyes and steady hand.

So now what happens? The good guy, with his reckless and haphazard aim running backwards pushing a full steam running girl forward yelling at her to go! all while shooting backwards at the bad guy with one hand while his other arm is all fucking bloody and shit or something, and the bad guy, with his can’t-miss laser scope, gets shot.

Now this bothered me up until a couple minutes ago when I had an epiphany. I realized that this could actually be applicable in my life. You see, I take a lot of pictures nowadays, especially with Apollo. For example, when the Asheville Mall 2.5s busted me for terrorizing the mall… instead of surrendering like a little bitch, and only getting one really crappy shot (because I tried to AIM), what I should have done was run like allgodamnedhell and machine gun movie aimed and I GUARANTEE I woulda came home with 15-20 keepers. I TJ Guarantee that shit.

Ok, I just read that Dark Night was the ‘quickest movie to gross 300 million dollars’. Gets me thinking. Would it have broke the record had Heath Ledger not accidentally overdosed? I highly, highly doubt it. Gets me thinking more. Is it in a studios’ best interest, for their star actor to croak? Would we still have to hear about or see some reference to ‘The Crow’ at least once a week, had Brandon Lee not been accidentally killed on the set? I serious doubts. I guess it all goes back to the starving artist that nobody gives a shit about until he/she croaks. What a world.

Ok hell yes after long searching I finally found a version of the all-time best Van Damme clip on Youtube WITH sound. If this isn’t bad ass, I don’t know what is:

And if that doesn’t get you going, watch this:

I could so kick someone’s ass right now. Maybe I should walk over to the mall and fuck with a gang of wannabe punk asses. Hmmm…