Jim Jamesson

Turn to any page in a baptists diary, and they all sound about the same. For the sake of simplicity and pissing off a shit ton of goddamned people, I’m removing all references to Jesus Christ. Here is the condensed version:

6:00 AM

Wake up, piss, check level of grass in yard. If grass has grown overnight, grass will need to be recut.

8:00 AM

Cut grass again, going over 17 or 18 times to make sure any slight 1/8″ or greater deviation in blade angle of lawn mower are no longer apparent.

10:00 AM

Inflate tires using digital tire meter. Take lawnmower blade down to some hillbilly injun repair shop to be sharpened sharper than a fresh Mach 3 razor.

12:00 PM

Reinstall lawnmower blade with assurance from God that he will make sure your grass gets cut evenly.

1:00 PM

Test out new lawnmower blade and freshly inflated tire level. Use care with your carpenter’s level to make sure NO deviation in blade level exists.

1:30 PM

Proceed to cut grass 14 or 15 more times. Be sure to stare down non-baptist neighbors and express disdain because they don’t cut their goddamned jesus fucking christ grass as often the fuck as heavenly father told you to.

5:00 PM

After showering and praying. Proceed to phase two. Weed whacking.