Jim Jamesson

This movie was so bad it’s not even worth talking about. I just wanted to make fun of Steven Seagal a little bit. This one was so bad, that I can’t even remember which pieces go with what movie. What terrible movies this guy makes nowadays.

Steven Seagal's latest movie, Belly of the Beast, is one to absolutely avoid.

“Man, this movie sucks” my brother just said. We’re just a little ways into Steven Seagal’s Flight of Fury. So far they’ve got a budget of around $300 dollars and have spent about $20 bucks of it. They are in Afghanistan (a local landfill) and they just landed a stealth plane on the desert. A gun battle takes place with a hot middle eastern looking terrorist chick (Katie Jones) that soon is about to have a partial lesbian sex scene with another hot black chick (Ciera Payton), who is her nemesis, although they live in the same army base. 

Here is our guy, Steven Seagal. Ahh, Photoshop CS4 is cool.

There is a guy in this movie (Mark Bazeley) who looks like what you would get if Dennis Leary and James Spader had anal sex with each other and one of them got pregnant. 9 months and 35 years later, you’ve got this guy. Luckily, this nerd dies to very little fanfare at the end of the movie, although he does give a half-assed effort to act like it’s this dire scene which deserves partial credit.

So basically what’s going on here is a bunch of soft-porn grade actors all put together in one studio and a landfill for a couple of hours. This movie feels like I’m watching a community-college level video 101 class project, starring Steven Seagal, Dennis Leary/James Spader, a guy who looks like a real fuckhead, and a smokin’ hot middle eastern looking chick and a pretty hot black chick.

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Here you can see the accuracy of his gun clip. JFC.

Right now, I’m watching Steven Seagal’s heinous movie Kill Switch starring Steven Seagal, as my punishment for signing up with Netflix and having the entire flock of Seagal movies readily available. Hopefully, I’ll be the first human to warn you about watching this piece of shit. If you haven’t yet seen it, don’t.

The first thing you’ll notice about this movie is Southern Steven Seagal’s ungodly crappy southern accent. It’s unbelievable… there are times when he will speak and actually forget the accent, only to remember it at the end of the sentence. It’s really that bad. In fact, to show you just how crappy it is, here’s what’s going on right now:

Ok, Southern Steven Seagal with a stupid southern accent, just stole a pipe from the bad guys that were beating him up and now he is using the pipe to beat them up. He just said “still wanna play? Take your best shot!” The guy is trying his best shots. Seagay punched him in the face with a resounding ass thud.

Now the guy is trying to punch again THUD THACK THUMP THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH 3 ribs he just cracked of this twerpy fucking guy. Shit, here comes the guy no wait Seagal flipped him and he landed on a bar — shot of the hot girls boobs — 00H landed on the bar and is out cold. Now hes back to the original black guy he wanted to question.

He’s holding his arms and fingers are broke, and just crushed his head and his upper jaw in the bar top. and is beating the back of his skull with his teeth sunk into the bar, he is about to crush him. He he has no teeth left and has blood gushing everywhere. He was able to threaten Segay as he walks away.

Now Seagal grabs the hot tit girl and goes downtown. She’s hot I would fuck her. Here comes trouble. Seagal gunfight just like that.

Bam bam bam Seagal. No reloading, 5,858,585,858,585 shots fired. No reload. Awesome.

My brother says “you can’t be a bad ass with a gun.”

Fuck these guys. It’s a full on gun war. No reloading I have seen yet still. Thousands of shots have been fired (handguns). Hope I am on the right keys typing this I would hate if it was all in like hebrew. Steve says right now “this movie is fucking dumb.” Read more »